What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 09:35
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
If people in the UK hate Trump so much, why does he own golf courses there?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Do many women shave their vaginas?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do I smell bad even though I have good hygiene?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What do people aim for when they meditate, and how do they do it properly?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She married twice! .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i do to all so called friends.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I have no regrets .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So whats the point in blame.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Would this be the day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was in good health!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Comes on , in middle age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I will be 64.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So, i spoilt her more .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.